oh, joy

Posted Monday, September 5, 2011 // 0 comments (+)

#473.

It's another one of those times when everything feels sort of conclusive and as if it's coming to an end. Nothing is looking up and looking down only reveals negativity.

People around aren't so much better either. Yeah sure, friends but they're another story. Family are supposed to be your rock and your solidity in life, but it's hard to stay standing when everyone around you is crumbling under the weight of their own life. I hate that there's nothing I can do to help, and there's no one who can help. I hate that this family's issues have to be contained within these four walls and that all the horrible things we put up with together create a burden so big that we can't withstand it anymore.

How much can I do. I can't diffuse my responsibility like I used to. I am no longer that young. But why is there no one else that can help. I like to think that there is never a moment in life that you have to be alone. That you have to carry all of your own weight but for her it's different. Everyone around her is trying to help. We are trying so desperately hard but it's never quite enough. We have our own commitments and that leaves her standing in solitude.

I hate that she has to stand alone and I hate that she isn't happy.

Words cannot explain how everything feels like it's collapsing right now. I'm not sure how things will work out or if they will at all, but life is life and I must think about how lucky I am to have things I take for granted. God everything is such a mess. I don't know how much longer I can shrug all of this off as nothing much.

Please work out. Right now I am on my knees. Universe, take some sort of mercy on us and smooth things out. Even just a little. We are strong, but we can only do so much.

This isn't just for me. It's for everyone I know is suffering. Especially her.

I want to be able to talk to you, for you to tell me everything will be okay and let your words and your worries for me dissolve everything else. But I feel as if I can't even go to you right now because like all those other times I had been a prissy little bitch, this will just seem like another one of my annoying mood swings and you will leave me alone to dwell. I'd rather not talk to you at all than feel you leaving me in any way shape or form. Did I tell you I broke down the morning before camp? That's just it, it doesn't even seem like you care anymore. I've overused your sympathy. I am the girl who cried wolf.