#523.
Change. It's so constant isn't it? We don't even realise half the time that things change until we really stop for a second and scrutinise the finer details. No matter how large it is, it's there. Things are growing, ageing, shrinking, decaying, moving, breaking, fixing and another infinite number of words ending in '-ing'.
That's what freaks me out. Nothing is ever the same. Nothing in this world, this universe stays exactly the same. Everything in this moment, as you are reading this will never be as it  is now. It will shift and move and one day maybe be coated in a thick coat of dust before it is taken and cleaned up to be used again.
It's not even just things. People change, too. Sometimes for the worse, sometimes for the better. And you can't judge. You can't look at someone and determine how they're going to come out. Unexpected things are usually pleasant though. In my opinion.


I was just thinking that throughout these past few hours, past few days, weeks, months, how much we've changed. How much we've grown into each other, accustomed ourselves. How much I've learned about you and how much I look forward to learning more things to  love about you in the future. I like the idea of being that person. You know, the one that sort of just gets you.


I'm a day late on this one, but happy eighteen months.
I love you more and more every day.
:)

#522.
Hey there blogger dude. I miss you, I do!
I thought I might come by today because the past few days have been not too bad. School's been okay, family's not great but I'm dealin' okay. That and Herms and I have been on a high lately. :) Feeling so much love and everything. Saw him yesterday after school, crashed his place after hours and endured the epic rain to trek to his with a large latte two sugars, because I am just a fantastic girlfriend. (yeah okay)
Missed the bus by literally five seconds so had to wait another twenty minutes in the pelting rain (noes!) but eventually caught it over. While waiting, some girl said she recognised me, which she did! Amazing memory from like many years ago.. At least five.
Well yeah that was yesterday and today Herms and I hung out again (which explains the good mood), cuddled, watched some clips on the Youtubes, watched a movie called Man on Fire and just overall had a really lovely time. :)

Exams are coming up, I'm a bit scared but I'm not going to let that get to me now.
Talk soon blog. :3

#521.
So that's it, you're just going to make me fucking cry and then leave and pretend it's all okay. I get it, I can be a bitch sometimes, and I know some of this I deserve but I don't feel like I should be crying like this while you pretend that everything's sunshine smiles. 
Sometimes I really just want to yell at you. I know that's not entirely fair but I shouldn't be crying over you either. You're supposed to be the one that makes me feel better when I'm upset, but tonight I just don't feel it. At all, I haven't for the past few days.


Sometimes I try really hard, I try really really hard. And when that doesn't work I just don't know what to do.

#520.
Its you but then its not your fault. Its you because you're not what I thought you would have been. Its you because me. Its me because I have these impossible expectations and I am way too clingy. Like you said, its bad clingy, and I'm sorry and if I am hurting you I don't think you should just take it the way you do.


I get it. I think.

#519.
Hey there blogger, it's been a while. Again.
Things have been up and down lately, the weekend was a bit less than I expected. Superficial ignorance over things that should matter snowballed into a heavy something else. I'm not making much sense.

Let's just say that the past few days have been shit. Saw Herm's yesterday and that was a little uphill bump in the bigger downhill picture. Went for lunch, went back to his. Had a bit of a sook. Lots of lovely cuddles and eskimo kissing. Lots and lots of eskimo kisses actually. Got my Wombats shirt off of him (yay) and headed home too late with a bag of excuses.
This morning was a mess. Anger and regret and angst and a whole bunch of other things that don't feel right. Lots of change is coming. I hate change. Change is my worst enemy and if it was a person I'd hire a hitman to kill her. She'd probably be ugly too.
Oh well. I guess sticking it out is the only option. Life is destined for change, and it shouldn't be too long before routine returns. Just, a different routine.

See you in a few days. Or weeks.

#518.
Sometimes I wonder if you'd be better off with someone else. Someone that could give you more, someone that would be more right for you. You have all this amazing love to give and you're choosing to invest it in me. You could do better. I've told you before, you could do so much better than me, and it's stupid that you're settling for less, for this, for me.


Don't get me wrong, I love you. I love you with everything I have, everything I am and every square centimetre of me, but I'm not great at showing it, at 'being corny'. I love you to the extent where it hurts me physically to know that there is something obstructing the air between us. To the point where I can't sleep and I just feel like crying.
You deserve so much more than this. You deserve someone who is stable, someone who doesn't carry all this unessential emotional baggage. You deserve someone who is able to show you the extent of their love, someone who is much better for you than me.


I get it, you love me so you won't look at anyone else. That's what you've said. But how do you know you love me, and you won't love someone else more. I hate to question this but I just haven't been seeing it lately. I feel as if everything's kind of fading and we're headed down that one way road, and as much as I know that there's probably something brighter for you down that way, I don't want to give up. Not yet, not ever. I don't know how to love anything else. You are the object of my affections alone. But still, I don't deserve you.


I just wish I was the kind of girl that would make you happy all of the time. I try but, I'm sorry, I am deeply flawed in that respect. God how I wish I knew what to do.

#517.
We all get those moments, right? Those moments when you feel really alone. Like all of a sudden everyone's decided to exclude you. To leave you be. Maybe it's because you've been acting strangely, trying to be different to who you are. Maybe it's because you haven't been spending enough time with them because you feel as if everything else you have is falling apart. Or maybe it's not all of us. Maybe it's just me.

Everything's been a bit upside down lately. I've been feeling a lot like I'm my own. That I have to look after myself, otherwise no one will. It's a strange kind of feeling. The weather's been totally gloomy today and maybe that's added a bit to my sense of emptiness. I feel as if the present holds nothing for me, and that if I want to be happy, I really have to work hard for myself.

Saturday was nice, though. Spent it with Hermie (like all my nice days are spent). Showed up at his place and we cuddled. I think he senses that everything's not okay because for the longest time he just held me. It was nice. Something about P-plates, me being a wife, lace and stolen glances.
I don't always understand myself but I feel like I need to tell all this stuff to someone. And because right now I feel like I don't really have anyone, you cop an ear full.

I really want to just go home, curl up and be warm and not have to worry. I'm a bit worried of having to worry. Worrying about family, about school work, about work, about the future, about the present, and about everything. Sometimes I think of the moments that would exist if everything were to just fade away.

I want to be eighteen so I can go strippers.
Happy fifteen months by the way, hun.
Disregard that strippers statement.
I love you.
I miss you.
More.

#516.
I think you ought to know what you did.
I think you ought to see the look of shock on his face, the blame that stemmed from those brief seconds and the tears you've caused to fall. You're probably at home now with your big happy fucking family and your warm fucking robes, aren't you. Your twenty seconds of crazy over that stupid nothing has caused a family to begin falling apart. Are you happy with yourself? Are you done seeking trouble? Are you done yelling at people who try their best to suck up to you for some insane fucking reason?
It makes me so angry that she believed you over him. It makes me so fucking angry that because of a stupid bitch like you, that there's all this tension between us. I hate that you're a monster and I hate that you can just live without knowing what that moment of your cracking a fucking hissy fit did to us.


I just thought you fucking ought to know.

#515.
I'd be lying if I said I knew what you should have done. I just know that what you did today would have been better off being gone about in a different way.


I'm crying now. It's got no direct link to me but right now I'm trying to vent this out, and crying. I'm worried because she looked so distressed when we left, and I'm scared she's going to do something irrational. And as much as I know she's smarter, she knows better than to do something stupid, I'm worried.
I'm not even just worried about what will happen now, I'm worried about what it may snowball into in the future. Then it affects me. I hate how when she's scared of it all, you go and tell her these things, these selfish things that you think no one else feels, when in reality, she probably feels it just as much, if not more so than you.


Why did you choose today. You chose today when she had no one else to go to, when she was alone, when she felt like she had double the load to do it to her. You realise that she has so much responsibility. Don't you dare say that you're young and you don't. Shouldn't your responsibility be in the least to hold her hand, if not, cheer her on through these times when she feels as if she's on the brink of losing it all? I want to call her and ask her if everything's okay and tell her that it is. But that's not the kind of relationship we have. If it were, maybe I would have hugged her when I saw her about to cry as she shut the door and made sure it was locked.


Don't be all poetic about it. Don't tell us it isn't your responsibility. Even if you do, why did you have to say it so bluntly. She must feel so abandoned, I hate that you've done that to her. She may not seem soft but she feels just as much as we do. She feels hurt and worry and abandonment and I'm scared those feelings may cause something serious. I'm hoping this is just another one of those phases. Like it always is. But right now I wish she'd just come home and make herself some noodles and climb into her bed. Maybe I'll even offer her a massage. I want things to just go back to normal. 
Whatever normal means.

#514.
I wish it were always like that. I wish I didn't have to deal with so many things that young people my age aren't supposed to deal with. I know it's selfish but I hate that I'm giving so much time up for you but receiving nothing in return. Don't think just because we have that kind of relationship that you can just use me like an object. I have things I need to worry about, things I stress about, things that make me sad just like any other human being. Don't call me stupid because I'm young, I bet I know a lot more than you think I do about the world.
I get out there, that's what I do when I don't tell you where I am.
I explore, I learn, I feel.




Anyway, yesterday was nice. It started off pretty rough, getting all agitated, infuriated and interrogated. Finally made it to Herms' at half past one. I think. Lied in his bed, tried to sleep because he told me to, didn't end up sleeping any. He finished deviantarting or youtubing or whatever it was he was doing and decided to join me. Talked about things that I forget we talked about, cuddled. He shaved, smooth face.
Had a bit of fun and wondered why it was only half past four when it felt much later. Talked some more, went into the back of his house, talked with his mum a bit, she left for market while I listened to him play Daughters.


Today spent the whole day at work catching flies.
Homework, I'm fucked.

Hello, I'm Tien. I am fifteen and I like to document my oh so insignificant life in angsty phrases and unconventional cliches.
I ♥ Phoenix, (500) days of summer, double entendres, unmade beds, autumn, Chopin, syncopated melodies, G7 chords and things that make me feel.

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