oh, joy

Posted Wednesday, January 19, 2011 // 0 comments (+)

#348.
What does it mean when the only person you feel can make everything better when you're feeling total shit is AWOL. What the fuck am I supposed to do when I'm on the verge on one of my stupid little mental breakdowns and you're not here to talk to me.
The most fucked up part is half of the breakdown is because of you. Because I don't know whether this is going to last. I don't know if I've even in this for the right reasons. I don't know how much we're going to see each other/hang out, once we both start school. And I don't know how much you're going to change me. I don't know much, do I. For fuck's sake. I don't even know where the fuck you are.

Oh you're lovely. Thanks for telling me when you came back. Thanks for concreting in our plans for Friday. Thank-fucking-you for re-reading this sentence with complete sarcasm. And ten minutes from now I know I'm probably going to regret typing this, because it's really horrible of me. But right now I'm upset. I'm sorry. I'm angry at you for not saying anything, and I'm sorry.

Hey, mum. I see you fucking talking to real estate agents. I see you sorting out our money issues. I'm not fucking asleep when you drive around looking for 'For Sale' signs. And would it seriously fucking hurt to just talk it over with me? Talk to me, for fucks sake, it's not like this fucking doesn't involve me. I don't want to fucking move. I thought he an I made this clear over five years ago, when we told you how much we wanted to stay here after dad moved out. Don't you think a relocation is the last thing we need? God, I'm sorry I'm such a dissapointment, that I can't help you as much as you want me to. I'm so fucking sorry that the sound of your voice now makes me want to cry. And I'm sorry I'm about to go into my room and turn my music loud and disrupt your fucking rest, just because I need to drown out the tears.

This is the fucking worst. Fucking. Vent. Fucking fuck.