oh, joy

Posted Saturday, December 18, 2010 // 0 comments (+)

#321.
Ahaha, that's cool. Three two one.
So yeah, today I've been through a massive mountain of emotions. Anxiety, suspense, relief, contentedness, anger, sadness, ecstaticness, you name it. Now to the point where beyond everything, I just feel in a very 'fuck it all' type of mood. I know that I'm worrying. But I shouldn't be. Although I've got a lot of pretty thumbs down things on my mind, if I looked for them, I'd probably be able to find a lot more thumbs ups. What the hell am I saying?

I don't know. Lately, with everything I've just been so spontaneous. Spontaneous to the point where I don't really know where I'm going with anything any more. At times, I'll just want to sit still, but then twenty minutes later, I'll find myself on a bus to his place, desperate for some sign on affection from another human being. I'm not saying that's all he is to me, I'm just saying he's someone I know feels that, he always knows what to say. No, shut the fuck up, Tien, this isn't a post about him. You didn't want it to be. I'll put a jump break here, so it doesn't look too long, and you can stop reading it if you like, who ever you are.

So really, I spent the whole day at his place yesterday. Doing some coupley stuff. Cuddling and talking and discussing what's going to happen when 'one day' comes. ("We'll be the two happiest cunts alive") I guess I should have known going out so late so repetitively would have eventually got me into something bad. But I stayed out anyway. I stayed the fuck out, because I knew it would have probably been the last I will see him in just about a month. And I can't stand that idea. I can't stand that he's going to be gone, that I'm not going to have someone who's just going to be there for me. And just me. It's greed, is what it is.

I'm fucking rambling. I've rewritten this paragraph nearly five times now, and I really just can't phrase how much I wish that it was three years down the track.

I guess when it comes down to it, I'm just scared. So fucking afraid of it not working, of it passing. Of me getting caught up in something that's not really what I thought it is. I feel like crying. I'm such an emotional mess. And that's just it. It's times like these when I'm going to need you, and you're not going to be able to get to me. It hasn't even been a month and I am already this fucking attatched. I love you, I really do. I'm just scared that you knowing how I feel is going to make me repulsive. I'm this insecure mess. And I'm sorry.